


First Star of Christmas

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Series: First Star Series [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Trauma, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Healing, Hope, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Sequel, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:28:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: This is a one-year-later sequel to First star you see may not be a star.Short recap: Isak can't handle being touched, because of his traumatic childhood. Him and Even make do.I have tagged light angst, because this isn't all fluff, but compared to First star 1 this is tooth-rotting. The darker themes are explored, but not wallowed in.You can read this without reading the angst fest of a fic that First star is, but if you can handle angst, I highly recommend it - I recently re-read it myself and it's really good! Even if I say so myself. Other people have liked it, too.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: First Star Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875022
Comments: 43
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A quick warning/reminder: Isak's trauma stems from his mother refusing to touch him when he was a child.

Isak struck a match. The scent made his skin tingle a bit in expectation. But this wasn’t for sex. He was alone, while Even was out doing some gift shopping. Isak had tried to tell him that he didn’t need anything special, but Even was persistent. And since Isak had a pretty special present planned for Even, it was probably just fair to let Even get him something as well.

Isak let the wick of the candle catch the flame and shook the match out. He used the flame of the candle to light up the other three. He lined them up on the window they had decorated with paper snowflakes earlier this week. They had so much fun cutting them, especially the Star Wars themed ones. Isak had to admit they were delightfully tacky.

He saw his reflection on the window. It was almost Christmas again. It was almost a year since the Plaza. It had been a long year. It had been a wonderful, terrible year, and Isak had come so far. Him and Issy, both of them. Isak had spent countless hours in therapy, both with Martin and with Josef. Martin had concluded his expertise wasn’t enough to deal with Isak’s trauma, and he had referred Isak to Josef.

Isak both loved Josef and hated his sessions with him. He knew he had them to thank for the fact he was still with Even. That he had been able to move in with Even. That level of intimacy would have been impossible a year ago, but now Isak actually needed someone. Little Issy needed Even.

Isak heard a faint little knock on the door inside him. He smiled a little bit at his reflection.

“It’s open”, he whispered. He kept it open now. They had stuck with the mental image of the door, because it was both a powerful visual and something Isak could close if he really needed to. He had closed it once, for a couple of weeks in the fall, when it had started to get darker and darker outside and Even had run out of steam. It had set him back quite a bit, but he had learned by now that no healing process was ever linear.

Isak put some glögg on the stove, mostly to make the place smell good. It might also be nice to curl up in the living room, his hands wrapped around a warm mug, his feet nice and cozy inside Even’s woolen socks.

As Isak was staring at the pot with the beautiful, ruby red drink heating up in it, humming O helga natt, he heard a door creak. He smiled at the thought of a seven year old boy pit-patting to the kitchen, sniffing at the spices in the air. Isak reached the cookie jar from the top of the cupboard and placed it on the counter. He opened it and took a gingerbread cookie he and Even had baked yesterday. He left the jar open so little Issy could take one as well. Maybe two.

When the pot was steaming but not yet boiling Isak took it off the heat. He poured the glögg into his favourite mug, put another cookie in his mouth and moved into the living room. He was listening inside himself, at the cozy, safe, homely mood he was building, and he felt Issy join him in the living room. The little boy with a serious look was sitting on the floor at Isak’s warm, cosy feet, nibbling at a cookie with the tips of his front teeth.

Isak knew he wasn’t really there. But this was an exercise he had found to be very useful. He was taking little Issy with him in situations where he felt happy, or safe, or whole, and just let the boy join him. Sometimes he even talked to him. He knew he was talking to himself, but he was talking to the boy he was years ago, and he was talking to him as softly as he could.

“Tomorrow we will go get a tree with Even. It will make this place smell so good.” Isak buried his nose in his mug and took a deep breath. The glögg was smelling good, too. It smelled like Christmas. “And the lights on the tree will be on all night. You won’t have to be in the dark. You can sneak out of bed to just watch the tree and snack on a gingerbread cookie or two. I won’t tell anyone.”

Little Issy nodded. He was still serious, almost solemn, but he seemed to be interested in this tree business. Isak had embraced Christmas ever since he left home. All the rituals, all the joint effort of all the people trying to create some magic together. They comforted him on a profound level.

Isak was certain little Issy would love Christmas.

He was going to do his all to make that happen. He would keep creating this safe space around and inside him over and over again, to let them both enjoy the season. And Even too, of course. Isak was so glad Even was a Christmas person too. And that Even was willing to entertain the idea of having a seven-year-old around.

In fact, Even adored little Issy. He had long talks with him, enjoying getting to know him. Even was so great with him that Isak had found himself thinking about actual, living kids. It made his heart ache a bit. He couldn’t have a child as long as he couldn’t be touched. A child needed to be touched.

Isak put his mug away, closed his eyes and lowered his legs on the floor. Little Issy had finished his cookie and was glancing at him under his brow. Isak nodded, smiling. He put his hands on the armrests of the chair to open his lap properly. He waited.

The little boy moved closer. Then a bit closer. He got up on his feet and looked at Isak with his green, serious eyes. His mouth was a tight line, he was frowning a bit. Then he crawled on Isak’s lap. Isak could feel the weight of his little body rest against his chest and relax.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispered, as softly as he could. “I love you. We love you.”

When Even came home he found Isak sitting on the chair, tears running down his cheeks. He hurried to Isak, still in his winter clothes, and touched the back of the chair though he really wanted to touch Isak.

“Babe? What is it?”

Isak opened his eyes and smiled a bit. He raised a finger on his lip and nodded down his lap.

“Shh. He’s asleep.”

Even looked at him, confused, for a moment. Then his face lit up.

“Are you. Holding him?” Even whispered. Isak nodded. He was.

Even covered his mouth. His eyes were welling. Isak smiled at him through his tears. He was so proud of himself right now. He was holding little Issy. It was the first time for them both.

“I love him so much”, Isak whispered.

“I love you both”, Even whispered back. Then he sharpened up. “Shit, the groceries. I’ll be right back.”

Even hurried to the door where he had abandoned his bags. He went to the kitchen to unpack them. Little Issy raised his head, listening, and wiggled himself off Isak’s lap. He ran into the kitchen, and Isak followed him.

He didn’t see Issy anymore. He was gone, for now, and it was okay. Isak wiped his face and stole one more cookie from the jar before putting it away.

“He’s gone”, Isak said. Even hummed. He was stocking the fridge with cream and butter. They were going to get stuffed this Christmas.

“He will be back. Won’t he?”

Isak nodded.

“I think so. I told him about the tree and he seemed interested.”

Even smiled. He looked pretty in the frigde’s light.

“I can’t wait to decorate it with him.”

Isak bit his lip for a bit. It was a good time to ask. Even seemed happy, but in a solid way. Isak could break this moment, and it wouldn’t shatter Even’s happiness.

“Do you want kids?”

Even paused, his hand on the fridge’s handle. Then he pushed the door closed, softly but firmly.

“I want you.”

Isak squirmed a bit.

“I know. But if I. If I could. Would you want to?”

Even turned to face Isak. He wasn’t smiling anymore.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it, and I don’t see a need to think about it now, either. I don’t want to have biological children, and I probably won’t be allowed to adopt, for the same reason.”

Oh. Of course. Isak should have thought about that. He nodded, biting his lip again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m okay with that. I am happy to have you, and little Issy, for as long as he wants to stay.”

Isak stepped right in front of Even. They were almost touching. Isak could feel the warmth of Even’s body close to his. Isak raised his hand and Even mirrored the movement. They pressed their wrists gently together, letting their heartbeats mix. Isak had been able to isolate this one touch as something that he was okay with, and it had become the way they kissed.

“I love you”, Isak said. Even smiled.

“I am so proud of you. Of us. We have come so far.”

Isak nodded. He agreed. Someone small peeked into the kitchen behind Even’s back.

“Stand still”, Isak asked. Even stopped breathing for a moment. When he continued, he nodded, lowering his arm. Isak stood there for a bit, just taking in Even’s scent and presence. He closed his eyes. He took the smallest little step.

Isak leaned his body against Even’s chest. He rested his head on Even’s collar bone. He could hear Even’s heartbeat, how it got a bit faster. He could feel Even’s chest move up and down with his breathing, that he was struggling to keep calm.

Even didn’t ask if he could touch Isak. That was one of the many things that made Isak love him so much his heart was about to burst.

A small hand grabbed Isak’s finger.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the perfect weather for christmas tree shopping. It was sunny, but the sun was so low it only illuminated the top halves of the buildings around the market place. The temperature was a bit below zero, and there wasn’t really any wind. A thin layer of snow frosted the streets. It was ridiculously spot on with everything Isak could have asked for, and his christmas spirit was at the highest height.

They were walking between the booths, stopping to take a closer look whenever they saw something interesting. Everyone seemed to be on a good mood, and the air smelled like christmas spices and roasted nuts. If the marketplace had been less crowded, it would have been absolutely perfect. But on a day like this, and this close to Christmas, people were guaranteed to flock here.

“You okay, babe?” Even asked quietly. Isak nodded, smiling. He was okay.

“Yeah. It’s a bit much, but not overwhelming. I can handle it.”

“Good. Want to look around a bit more, or should we go get the tree?”

Isak kept smiling. Even was worried they’d sell out of good trees before they got one. It was Issy’s first Christmas, and Even wanted it to be perfect. Isak kept trying to tell him it already was.

“Let’s go get a tree. My toes are getting cold.”

Even was happy to take that excuse. He practically ran to the tree vendor. Isak watched him go, and the coldness in his toes was more than compensated by the warmth in his heart. Even looked so excited. He looked so good, too, with his super long scarf and his woollen jacket. Isak was pleased to look at him, and he loved the thought of walking to him. He would always, for the rest of his life, be walking to Even.

“Find a good one yet?” Isak asked when he reached Even, who was dashing from tree to tree.

“These are all good!” Even cried out. It made Isak laugh.

“Well, you can’t have them all. Pick one.”

Isak took out his phone and started recording. Even didn’t even notice. He was focused on the trees, in their height, their fuzziness and their colour. He pinched a needle off one and sniffed at it, and then put it in his mouth.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, laughing. Even looked up at him and grinned.

“Paparazzi! I’m testing the tree for freshness.”

Isak put the phone away and walked closer to Even and the tree he had been sampling on.

“Are you seriously telling me you can  _ taste _ if a christmas tree is fresh?”

Even was smiling with his whole face. His eyes were sparkling.

“Of course I can? That’s the only way to properly tell. Here.” Even picked another needle off the tree and handed it out at Isak. “Try it.”

Isak stared at Even. Then he stared at the green little needle Even was holding. He knew Even well enough to know there was only one way out of this. He held out his palm and let Even drop the needle on it. He twirled it with his thumb, then threw it in his mouth and chewed.

“Well?”

Isak swallowed and stuck his tongue out of his mouth. Blegh.

“Tastes like an air freshener.”

Even doubled over. He was laughing so hard he almost fell down. He had to grab the tree for support, and that proved to be a bad idea. He yelped and jumped back, his palm stung with the needles. It was Isak’s turn to laugh.

“Serves you right, tree-eater!”

“You boys gonna buy that tree? No free samples.”

Isak turned to face the guy who was selling the trees. He didn’t look as amused as him and Even. Try as they might, they were still snickering while Even got his wallet out and the tree was packed in a net for them.

“Are you sure you’ve got it?” Isak asked. Even was looking a bit dangerously wobbly, trying to balance the tree on his shoulder.

“Yes, for the fifth time! I’ve got it.”

“Okay, okay. Just don’t knock anyone out with it.”

They walked away from the market, Even carrying the tree and Isak making sure he didn’t hit anything. When they passed a skating rink Isak saw something green flash in the corner of his eye. He turned to look, and saw a little boy, about seven years old, wearing a green scarf around his neck. His cheeks were red from the cold and the excitement, and his skating was a bit wobbly but very enthusiastic.

“Hey, babe?” Even’s voice right next to him made Isak jump. “It’s creepy to stare at kids that you don’t know.”

“Mm. Yes. Sorry.” Isak turned to look at Even. He seemed a bit worried. But seeing Even there, a tree on his shoulder, framed by the christmas lights decorating the market place, made Isak feel so warm. He raised his hand, baring his wrist, and Even did the same.

“I love you”, Isak said. “I love you and I want to be with you. Just you. That’s enough.”

“I love you too”, Even said. “But this tree is getting heavy soon.”

Isak giggled a bit.

“You wanted to carry it alone.”

“And I still do. Let’s get moving, okay?”

Isak nodded. He started walking again, doing his duty as a tree guard. He was a bit surprised to see Even really managed to carry the thing all the way home. They took it to the bathroom and put it standing in the bathtub in cold water to let it melt. It was already smelling wonderful.

“Thank you for getting us a tree, love.”

“Don’t mention it. Can’t wait to see you two decorate it.”

Isak looked at Even.

“You don’t want to take part?”

“I can put the star on. I’m the tallest.”

“Can you put the candles on, too? I hate that part.”

“Whatever you want, my love.”

Later, while Even was in the kitchen making dinner, Isak sneaked into the bathroom. He left the door cracked and didn’t turn on the lights. He just stood there in the near dark and buried his face into the tree. It smelled like Christmas. It smelled like a home. It tasted really bad, but Isak was happy that he knew that now. He was so happy he had Even, and that Even was doing alright now.

Isak heard humming from the kitchen. O helga natt. Their song. Isak had told Even about it, about the first time he was really falling for Even, and knowing that Even remembered that made Isak feel all warm and fuzzy again.

The bathroom door opened up a bit more. Isak smiled.

“Hey there, sweetie. Come say hi to our tree.”

Little Issy crept up to him. He stood in front of the tree and looked up and down at it, his bottom lip pouting a bit.

“I know, it doesn’t look like much now”, Isak whispered. “Tomorrow we will cut the net and put it in the living room. You get to decorate it with me.”

The boy looked up at Isak. Then he smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

Isak woke up in sheets that smelled like Even. He was feeling drowsy in the best of ways, and pulled Even’s pillow closer so he could cuddle it and bury his face in what smelled like Even’s hair. The air smelled like coffee and cardamom, and Isak could hear Even working in the kitchen as quietly as he could. It was the morning of Lille Julaften, one day before Christmas Eve. The Big Day. Isak was feeling warm and cosy, and he closed his eyes to doze off for a bit more.

Isak woke up to the feeling of someone small and warm crawling into bed with him. He was still half asleep, and just made some space, loosening his grip on Even’s pillow so Issy could rest his head on it. Without really thinking about it he started to play with Issy’s hair. It was so soft.

“Isak?” Even whispered from the door. “Are you awake?”

Isak yawned.

“Yes. Almost.” Issy snuggled up closer to him. He opened his eyes and looked at Even. He had some flour on the tip of his nose, and he was holding a tray of fresh cranberry scones. Isak pressed a sleepy kiss in Issy’s hair. Even’s eyes grew wider.

“Is he sleeping?” Even whispered. Isak nodded. He saw Even sort of melt into a puddle on the floor. He had to hurry to lower the tray on the night stand because his hands were shaking a bit.

“What is it?” Isak whispered. Even shook his head a bit, smiling.

“It’s okay. I just. I’m so happy we have made a home where you are feeling so safe so often.”

Even was right. Isak didn’t let Issy come unless he knew, deep in his heart and soul, that it was safe. Issy had been around a lot these couple of days, and it was because of them.

“Can I join you?” Even whispered. Isak nodded. He scooted back a bit, guiding Issy with him, and Even lied down on his side of the bed. He left space between them, enough for a seven-year-old. Isak saw Issy lean his back against Even, and it felt almost like he was touching Even himself.

“I love you so much”, Isak said, quietly, to not wake up the boy. “Can I touch your hair?”

Even smiled. His smile was brighter than any christmas light could be.

“Of course. You can touch anything you want to”

Isak stretched out his fingers. His fingertips touched Even’s hair. It wasn’t as soft as Issy’s, but it felt every bit as good. The touch spread warmth along Isak’s arm and into his heart. He pushed his fingers carefully a bit further, letting them sink fully into Even’s locks. He twirled the hair around his fingers, then back again, slowly. He didn’t want to pull it and hurt Even, who had closed his eyes, smiling.

“That feels so nice, love.”

Isak just nodded. He was focused. He felt the warmth and weight of a tiny body against his, and it wasn’t scary, but comforting. He let his fingers fall softly out of Even’s hair, down his face. Even gasped without a sound, his lips cracked, his eyes still closed. He let Isak do this without disturbing him.

He followed Even’s eyebrows, first one and then the other. From there he drew the bridge of Even’s nose, and dusted the flour off. He traced the cupid’s bow, and then the bottom lip, and Even moved his lips against his finger. Just barely. Isak let Even kiss his fingertips. Then he pulled his hand back and kissed his own fingertips, looking at Even.

“One day I will kiss you”, Isak said quietly. “For real. I know I will.”

“You don’t have to”, Even told him. “I am happy with you, just the way you are. I love my life with you, and I love you, and I don’t need you to change for me.”

Isak had to blink a bit harder. And swallow a little lump from his throat.

“I think I do.”

“In that case, I promise to do my all to help you. And that I will love you, no matter what, forever.”

Isak nodded, still blinking. He hadn’t known it was possible, but he was hopeful. He actually wanted to get better. For him. For little Issy. He had been locked in for so long, just so Isak could cope, so he could live his life, but now it was time. Time to stop coping and start healing.

“Those scones smell delicious.”

“Oh! Right! I made coffee, too, I hope it’s still hot.” Even got out of bed and hurried to the kitchen. He returned with two big mugs of coffee that smelled like cardamom. Isak pushed himself sitting up, leaning on the headboard, and took the mug between his hands. It smelled like Christmas.

They spent an entire hour in bed with their breakfast. When the last scone was eaten to the last crumb, they finally crawled out and got dressed. It was time to take the tree to the living room. This time Even let Isak help him out, and they managed to get the tree in its place without knocking anything over.

Even cut the net and Isak pulled the branches straight, carefully so he didn’t get stung by the needles. They filled up the water tank, and the wonderful smell spread through the whole apartment. They were making Christmas. While Even put up the candles Isak went to get the box of decorations from the closet. It weighed a lot. They had combined their stashes, and that made a lot of Christmas stuff.

Isak hauled the box on the couch and opened it. All the tinsel and glitter sparkled in the light of the candles Even had just turned on. Isak picked out a big, golden bauble and looked at their reflection on its surface. He saw Even by the tree, and the shining lights, and he saw himself -- and a little boy by the door.

“Okay, I’l leave you two at it. I have cooking to do. Tell me when I can put the star on.” With that, Even left the living room. Isak was alone with Issy. He watched the boy in the golden sphere for a moment, then walked to the tree. He hung the ball on the branch. It was swaying lightly, catching the candlelight. It made Isak smile.

“Can I put some music on?”

“Sure, as long as it’s not Last Christmas. I’m still alive.”

“Whamageddon is stupid”, Isak huffed. Even laughed.

“You only think that because you got Whammed in the first week of December.”

“I do not.” Isak would at least never admit it. But he had done as Even had asked, and taken Wham’s Last Christmas off his christmas playlist. He took his phone and connected it to the bluetooth speakers. Mariah Carey got the honour to go first. When Isak peeked in the kitchen he saw Even was shaking his booty.

Isak pulled the decoration box from the couch on the floor and sat down. He was digging through it, waiting, and soon enough little Issy joined him. He grabbed the edge of the box and looked inside. His eyes grew wide as he saw all the sparkle.

“Take whichever you like. Then you can put it in the tree.”

Issy considered for a long time. He took one bauble, then he put it down, he grabbed a silver bell, but decided not to take that one either. Finally he took Isak’s favourite piece. It was a wooden rocking horse with worn out gold paint. Isak smiled at him.

“That’s a good one. Where do you want to hang it?”

The boy looked up, at the top branches. He couldn’t reach them on his own. Isak looked at the boy, at his eyes that were sparkling with the candles, and he knew what he had to do. He got up on his feet, bent down and picked Issy up. He lifted the boy high enough so he could hang the horse in the tree, exactly where he wanted it.

They decorated the whole tree together. Isak held Issy up whenever he needed to be helped, and he couldn’t ignore how significant it was. He was helping Issy, not just being kind and friendly. This was a sign. He was ready for the next step, just like Josef had suggested before their break for Christmas.

“Even. You can put the star on now.” Isak took Issy’s hand and they stepped back together to look at the tree. It was beautiful in a way that only a child could create. It was off balance and lopsided, and there was definitely too much glitter, but it was perfect. Even came to the living room and turned to see the tree. He smiled.

“It’s beautiful. Well done, you two.” Even took the star from the box and reached up to put it to the very top of the tree. Isak saw a patch of his back be revealed as his shirt rode up, and it looked. Tempting. Isak didn’t touch it, or really want to touch it, but this time he could have really considered. Progress. Little boy steps.

Isak sat down on the floor to look at the tree from down there. It was so tall, and so pretty, and it smelled so good. Just like Even. Especially lit by the tree’s candles like this.

“Even”, Isak said, softly. “Can I ask you something?”

Even looked down upon him, smiling. He looked like an angel.

“Of course?”

“Don’t you think it’s weird that we have an imaginary child living with us?” Isak knew Even approved of him, and that Even also interacted with him on his own, but. Wasn’t it weird?

Even pouted his lips to show Isak he was actually thinking, not just staring at him. Isak waited, his heart bumping loudly in his chest. His skin was tingling, but in a good way. Issy was hiding under the tree, looking up at the lights and decorations.

“I think it’s necessary. I think it’s really working, and I can see a huge difference in you. In us.” Even laughed a little, looking at the window decorated by the snowflakes they made. “At first I thought I would miss him when he was gone. Then I understood that he will never be gone, as long as you will be here. Because he is you. And by loving him I’m loving you, and you are loving yourself, and that is all I can really ask for. Ever.”

Even turned to look at Isak again. His eyes were glowing a soft, warm light. Isak swallowed. He had planned to wait until tomorrow, to give Even a present for Christmas, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t wait one more second. He bent his legs under him and got on his knees.

“Give me your hand”, Isak said. Issy turned on his belly, looking at them keenly. Even looked at Isak, his mouth a bit open, his eyes huge and blue.

“Are you --”

“Give me your hand while I still can take it. Please.”

Even gave his hand. Isak took it, with both of his hands. They were shaking. Or Even’s hand was. Maybe both.

“Even, I want you to love me, and love myself with you, for the rest of my life. Will you?”

Even pressed his palm on his chest. His hand was definitely shaking.

“Will I what?”

“I can’t -- I don’t want to get married until I’m. Better. But when I am, I want to do it with you. Will you, on a yet undefined date in future, marry me?”

Even squeezed Isak’s hands. He was in tears, and smiling at the same time.

“Yes. Yes, I will. I do. Yes.”

Isak laughed. He was too happy not to.

“I have a ring, too. Wait.” Isak got up and hurried to the bedroom. He had hidden the ring in his sock drawer, because he knew Even hated sorting socks. He took the small box that felt heavy and light all at once.He brought it to Even, who was still standing by the tree, still the most beautiful thing Isak had ever seen.

“Here.” Isak opened the box. The ring was simple, just a golden band, and it had a matching one with it. Isak took Even’s ring out slowly. He didn’t want to drop it. “Can I have your hand again?”

Even held out his hand.

“You can have it whenever you ask for it. Always.”

Isak slipped the ring on Even’s finger.

“I promise to ask for it every time I possibly can. Always.”

As Even put Isak’s ring on his finger Isak looked under the tree. Issy gave them a huge grin, and two thumbs up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone. Love you!


End file.
